The Hiatus

How do I start this?  It really is useless to write about someone.  When you would like to let that someone know about what you’ve written about her.  But you really, really know that she wouldn’t even read about what you’ve written.  Because she doesn’t care.  Or doesn’t like you.  Or is disturbed because of you (just your imagination, of course :).  Might as well tell her yourself, ayt?  Opps, that’s a stupid thought.  You wouldn’t even have a blog with things like these written in it if you were that brave.  Then again, you’re just useless.  And your feelings too.  We’re all useless; me and you.

Okay, I’m digressing quite far (and quite crazy with the second-person referral to myself too).  On with the stupid entry:

I’m just soooo jealous.  So friggin’ly, unreasonably, sh*ttingly jealous.  About whom?  Hmmm…

First off, with him (pointing to that person that I’ve known for about 4 years now).  Yeah, he’s cool.  Ummm, maybe he’s too cool.  I really don’t know; trust me, I’ve spent many nights just thinking about he’s apparent (by overwhelming evidence) superiority to much of my faculties (not all of course).  I hate dancing with him and always trying to be his par.  I hate looking at all the faces in front screaming his name until I breathe-in their souls (they’re his friends, by the way; he’s just too friendly :).  Of course, I hate the smell of their souls.  In short, I don’t want anything to do with them.  I just hate them, because of him.  So, okay.  He’s cool.  In a way that annoys me.  So, I envied him.  One mortal sin down.  I only envied him, up until recently.  You see, she likes him.  At least, a bit.  I don’t know.  Maybe just a teeny-tiny bit.  A tad bit, if you please.  Just, point at hand, I don’t know.  I don’t know her mind.  This is just me being stupid.  Regardless of reason, it jarred me.  Like as if the sky is falling down on me.  Like as if I’m so useless and that my nose is inside my head and I’m breathing my blood in.  All the flowers died.  I’m suddenly colorblind.  Needless to say (but I’m saying it anyway), I didn’t like it.  So, then, I’m not only envious, I’m also jealous of him.  They’re indistinguishable sometimes.  But that doesn’t stop me from telling them apart.  I’m okay today though.  Just a matter of forgetting, perhaps?

Second, him (pointing to that other person I’ve known for about 4 years now also).  He’s a magnet (of everything).  That mortal sin again and that other thing that’s almost the latter’s synonym.  Why?  Because he’s got a text message from her that I wanted to send myself to her.  I thought that was quite unique; kinda reflected my predicament.  Yeah, It didn’t feel good.  One sin after another.  Now, again, I’m okay with it.  I’ve forgotten.

Third, that person (pointing to another).  I think she likes men with good disposition.  I’m no good in those things.  I’m no good in anything you gain by birthright.  Plus, he’s fun to be with.  She smiles thinking of him.  I frown thinking of them both.  Forgotten.

Fourth, you see that person with trendy hair and a twisted smile?  Him also.  I just heard of something.  Nothing really.  Probably, just misheard.  But I can’t shake off that same nausea-like feeling.  Damn it; there better be no afterlife!

Fifth, that one looking at me (pointing to a person with evenly-applied "black eye" on both eyes).  They look close.  I think I’ve known her longer than they did each other.  You know, that level of closeness where you start sharing things (both literal and figurative).  I can’t breathe.  Stop doing that.  You’re not the only one who’s alone.  I keep telling myself this: we all are!  Stop your whining and yapping and showing!  You don’t have to tell EVERYBODY you want to tell.  You’re just tooo indulgent of yourself.  "Rescue me!!!  I’m falling into oblivion!  Ah!"  Stop it.  Geez.  She also is.  You’re too selfish.  I’m trying to forget (this is just recent).

Sixth, him (pointing to her bosom).  Nothing new here.  No forgetting.  I mustn’t forget.  Still, he’s choking me through her hands.  And laughing and gluttoning in my suffering while doing it.  And ignoring and exerting no effort while doing it.  Both at the same time.  Everything in my mind.  Everything in this part of my mind I call "heart".  I could sedate myself many times.  I could hurt myself many times.  I could fill myself with her sweet pleasures many times.  I could indulge myself with her smiles many times.  I could create her a million of times in my mind.  But I could never escape his reality.

Last, all the rest of you.  For she smiles for you like she smiles for me.  She laughs for you like she laughs for me.  She thinks of us all equally.  Like a deity that watches over her worshiping creatures.  I’m only one of them.  Worshiping with zealous pleasure.  Never flying up to kiss her cheeks.  Never having enough arms to wrap her around my chest.  She belongs to a god.  A god that I disdain.  I god that I envy.  All this talk of eternity, oblivion, death and punishment are irrelevant.  Nothing is more than the life of her breath, the warmth of her bosom and smell of her presence.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 6th, 2007 at 1:09 pm and is filed under My Angsty Love, She. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.